Breathe

A miscarriage is a natural and common event. All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world than haven't. Most don't mention it, and they go on from day to day as if it hadn't happened, so people imagine a woman in this situation never really knew or loved what she had. 

But ask her sometime: how old would your child be now? And she'll know.

- Barbara Kingsolver

I thought what Ms. Kingsolver said couldn't be more true. Our little boy would be turning 7 months this month, and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him. 

I titled this post "Breathe" because that is something I forgot to do this past year. I know I didn't take a real breath until Hazel was born. I mean a real honest breath. I had been holding it in since we found out we were pregnant again. I didn't even realize I was, until she was here. I know her and I took our first breath together. 

I had an easy pregnancy with Hazel and I really enjoyed it, but I never let myself truly enjoy it the way I did with BabyV. I do want to let everyone out there know that I always had a name for BabyV, but that name is for me alone. I keep it to myself because saying it out loud is too painful. It's not a name I will give to our other children because it belongs to him. One day I may share, but for now it's just for me and BabyV. 

When Joe and I found out we were pregnant with BabyV, I was ecstatic. I knew we would wait to tell the world until we hit the 12-week mark just as a precaution, but I remember thinking it was a silly precaution. I wanted everyone to know and to share in our joy. I know I was walking on air in those early days. I did what every newly pregnant mama does - I pictured what this little baby would look like thinking would it be a boy or girl. I immediately started thinking of names, and what the nursery would look like, and I got to reading about what our little baby was up to inside the womb. It was an amazing feeling and I'm thankful that I felt it. 

When Joe and I got the news that there were some problems with the baby it was immediately after we shared our joyous news with the world. I mean that literally. We told the world, and then went to PA for a family visit and that's when everything started to change. I had some spotting, so we took a trip to the ER and found out the baby was doing OK, but that I could lose the baby. I remember thinking, they have to say that because they didn't find anything medically wrong. BabyV's heartbeat was strong and he was moving and shaking in there. I got home and  had a check up a week later and that's when we were told the blood work wasn't looking good. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The wind had been knocked out of me and I was back on the ground quite bruised from my fall. I knew immediately we were not going to keep this baby. I worked hard to keep positive and continue like it would work out, but I always knew we would never know BabyV on the outside. 

I'm a planner and I had not planned for this. I never even let myself think for one moment that this could happen. The funny thing is before I got pregnant I did think about miscarriage as a reality, but once I was pregnant I had the gall to think it would never happen to me. 

When our pregnancy was finally over I never imagined we would get pregnant again so quickly. The initial shock helped with some of the mourning, but soon I found myself a worried mess. I was angry that I couldn't enjoy this pregnancy the way I had the last. I was angry that I'll never be able to enjoy a pregnancy like I did with my first. I can guarantee that all women who have lost a baby feel they can never relax during their next pregnancies. It doesn't mean it's not a joyful time, we just know that this little life can be gone in a moment. 

It's amazing to me that I can still be grieving the loss of BabyV as I sit here with Hazel sleeping soundley on my chest. The day we brought her home from the hospital I cried and cried and cried. I was practically inconsolable. I talked with my sister-in-law about it and she told me;

You can try to be cool and blame it on hormones... But you've waited a long time for that little girl. You love her too much to contain it.  You have to cry. You have no choice. 

Man was that true! I know the entire pregnancy I never thought we'd be bringing her home. I wanted her home more than anything, but I didn't think it would happen. Every appointment was worse than the last because I just kept waiting for them to find something wrong. When we finally walked in the door with our baby I just lost it. All that time, all that energy, all that grief just came pouring out. 

I didn't write this to keep picking at the wound. I wrote this because BabyV is an important part of my life. I wrote this because losing a child is hard, and some people still squirm when I bring it up. And I wrote this because even though miscarriage is a natural and common event, I did know and love what I had. At one time I had a little boy and I loved him. 

Cheers.

Here's some memories from our short time with BabyV

8 weeks

10 weeks

8 weeks

13 weeks

16 weeks

14 weeks

12 weeks

14 weeks