Sleepless Night...

It's been two days since we found out about the loss of Baby V. Two days of soul searching with one very long day spent in the hospital. 

I will start with the hospital stay because it is the easier of the two topics for me to discuss. I find much comfort in science and medicine. It's something that usually has an explanation or a cause. Something I crave out of life. 

Our procedure was schedule for 9:30am, so, as asked, we arrived at 7:30am for prep. Things started out very smooth and were running close to on time. Something not usual for the medical profession. We met with our doctor prior to the procedure and decided to have a Chromosomal Analysis performed. Then we met with the anesthesiologist and he walked us through that aspect of the surgery. Joey and I said our goodbyes shortly after, and away we went. 

This is where our story gets a little exciting, for lack of a better term. I was not informed, until much later, that I had lost a liter of blood during the operation. When I came out of surgery my blood pressure was very low, 60/something, I was too out of it to actually read the monitor, I just heard the nurses commenting. It slowly, very slowly started to rise. It finally got to 95/45 and stayed that way for a while, so I was prepped to move to the second stage of recovery. Now, when I say my blood pressure slowly rose, I was scheduled to be in recovery for only an hour or so, and the procedure was only supposed to be about 20 min. Well the blood loss set the surgery back, and then my low blood pressure set the recovery time back. Poor Joey had to sit in the waiting room with limited news. Joe said the doctor told him I was out of surgery and everything was fine at 10:45am and I'd be in recovery two in about an hour. My blood pressure did not reach 95/45 until around 1:30pm I would guess. They started moving me to recovery two around 2 o'clock. I started feeling extremely nauseous and dizzy, and then I passed out. It was maybe for a sec or two, I came back to consciousness hearing the nurses busying themselves around me saying my blood pressure dropped to 40/something, again really out of it. They kept me back there until around 3 o'clock, and then finally sent my amazing husband back. Poor Joey was sitting in the waiting room from 10:45am until 3:00pm only hearing that the surgery went fine. He said he finally asked around 2:30pm if there was any news. The nurses politely gave him the spiel that if something was wrong he'd be informed.  I on the other hand was back in recovery snoozing off and on thinking things were running on schedule. I pieced the time frame when Joe came back to see me. We were finally released around 5:00pm tonight. We should have been on our way home around lunch time. It was a very long and exhausting day to say the least.

These past two days have been emotional for Joe and myself. I will say that I think both of us were preparing for this loss, but did not really expect it to occur. I say we were preparing because of the news of the increased risk of the Trisomy 18/13. We knew it was a possibility, but were holding on to hope that it would turn out to be a false reading, as many are. Taking the advice of our Genetics Counselor and doctors, we worked hard at trying to continue on as if the pregnancy was normal because we didn't know other wise. Joe and I spent the next two and half weeks discussing the possibilities and working hard to continue on as if all was normal. It was somewhat easy to do because my body was continuing on as if it was a normal pregnancy. I think that's the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around. I was gaining weight, especially in my belly. I was looking more pregnant as the weeks moved on. That gave me some hope. It's funny how the body can react to certain situations. I did not have any cramping and very very light spotting, more off than on, which the doctors kept telling me was normal and nothing to worry about. I don't blame them at all for saying this. As I've read, and even talked with a few mothers, spotting and bleeding during a pregnancy can be normal for some women. 

Up until we found out, about the loss, everything seemed to be moving along OK with the baby. At the First Trimester Screening we were told the baby was measuring two weeks smaller than expected. At first I was very concerned about this, but I talked to the doctor and she said it could be a sign of the Trisomy 18/13 or it could be a miscalculation. She said it happens very frequently at these screenings, and many women leave measuring 1-2 weeks ahead or behind. I tried to focus on the second part of what she said, hoping that it was just a miscalculation. We talked with a Genetics Counselor after a more thorough blood panel, that was sent out, came back inconclusive. Again, we were told the best thing for the baby was to continue on as if all was well. After the blood work came back inconclusive, Joe and I decided to have an Amnio done. We needed to know, so we could start making some decisions. To run a second round of blood work would take another 4 weeks total. Two weeks until the next draw and then two weeks for results. We decided that waiting was not for us, so an Amnio was scheduled. Looking back at the signs, it seems that this outcome was inevitable. The small measurement, the lack of DNA found in the blood work, and the light spotting.

As I was coming home from work, on Monday, to head to our appointment, I knew something was not right. For the first time in the pregnancy I was having some cramping. It was very light almost non-exsitent, but it was there none the less. I got home and found that I was spotting more heavily. My stomach dropped, and I knew that the outcome of this appointment was not going to be a happy one. Our doctor tried to find a heartbeat using the Doppler and was unsuccessful. I looked at Joe and knew right away we had lost the baby. She preformed an ultrasound, and it was confirmed. There was our little love not moving and no heartbeat to be seen or heard. It was heart breaking seeing our baby on the screen no longer moving and kicking. We had been to several appointments and got to witness that amazingness, and now there was our baby, no more. I know I went into shock right away. I didn't cry, I didn't scream, I didn't even think. I just listened as our doctor walked us through our next steps. 

The hardest part for me is not just losing the baby, but also losing the pregnancy. We had so many events coming up this year that I would've been pregnant at. Milestones in the pregnancy, and that is to be no more. When I came fully out of anesthesia the first thought that went through my head was "Our pregnancy is truly over". I know that it had been over, but now it was, and is, truly over. I was no longer carrying a little baby. That is still something I am grappling with tonight as I lie awake. For 14 weeks, I had a little life inside of me. Growing and bonding with, and now that no longer exists. 

Joe has been truly amazing through this whole event. From the moment I told him we were pregnant, to when we found out about the Trisomy 18/13, he has been supportive, and loving, and taking everything as it comes. Even though this has been a very devastating time, we have really grown together in all of this darkness.

We have received an outpouring of support and couldn't be more grateful. I have heard from friends and family who have also lost their first child, or one of their children, and it is comforting to know we are not the only ones who have gone through this. I did know ahead of time that we are not the only ones, but there's comfort in knowing those close to us understand this loss too. I want to say thank you to all of you who have reached out and respected our asking you to message us privately. 

I know that Joe and I will get through this, and I know in time the loss will get easier to accept. For now, I think we are taking it day by day and seeing where this road leads. Moving forward will be hard, and I'm not sure when we will be ready to go on this journey again, but I know we will, and I know that it will be just as amazing as the first time. Even though it was short lived. 

Best 

Loss

It is with a very heavy heart that I write this post. Earlier this afternoon, Joe and I found out that we lost the baby.

About 3 weeks ago, Joe and I had a 1st Trimester screening. We got some blood results informing us that there was a 1:5 chance that the baby could have Trisomy 18/13. Trisomy 18/13 is a very rare gene defect that causes the 18th or the 13th gene to triplicate. It causes very serious birth defects. About half of babies with this defect are stillborn and around a majority don't make it past the 1st month. Joe and I were very devastated to find out this news, but were keeping hope that the odds were in our favor. Unfortunately the odds were not in our favor and Baby V did not make it. Our doctor informed us today she could not detect a heartbeat. She felt strongly that it was because of the Trisomy 18/13.

We want to thank you all for your support during this time, and ask that you send any message privately.

Spring Sucks

Apologies for the shaded dark pics, but you get the idea :)

I already know that I am in the minority, but that doesn't change the fact that I seriously hate spring. With that said, I will list a few reasons why I think it sucks, and show you the beautification Joe and I did this morning.

Spring sucks because:
1. I get nose bleeds- never get them in the winter
2. I sneeze constantly and my nose is always running- spring super sucks this year since I'm preggers and my sinuses are super open so basically I'm just a bloody snot bucket right now.
3. Insects! It's unnatural to have more than 4 limbs and 2 eyes. Also, having your skeleton on the outside! WTF!
4. Sun and heat- most people love this, but I hate sweating, and the blinding rays.
Lastly: Birds! How about you stop waking me at 5 a.m. and find a mate already!!!

OK enough with my rant, onto the beautification. When we moved into our tiny abode there was a very lame  azalea hanging on for dear life and weeds that made up the front flower bed. It was very sad and I didn't care at all. That is until this spring happened. I started taking a look around at the neighbors and we looked like that unkempt house that everyone avoids, so I thought it was time to do something about that. I weeded and prepped old-school style. No tiller here, just pure sweat and muscles. I edged out the bed and made Joe take me on a 9 p.m. trip for flowers last night :). I'm gonna call it a non-food pregnancy craving. I just had to get flowers last night. I spent the better part of this morning transplanting our purchase while Joey attended to the yard.  I pretty much refuse to cut the grass or weed whack. I'm not even gonna come up with some lame defense, I hate doing it so I don't. I do clean the bathroom, however, so I think that's a fair trade. Joe did help with the mulching since I can't lift anything more than 5 lbs. That is starting to really become a pain in the A for sure.

The big issue we have with our front is a very large maple tree that shades our house magnificently. Hey, low electric bill! I had to do some research on what plants do best in almost full shade. I started getting a little discouraged because most plants that do well are just greenery - not many flowering plants. That's not fun at all! After visiting my local nursery, I found we could have some color after all. I settled on a bleeding heart, which I have always loved, so I was really stoked about that, impatiens, this super cute polka dot plant, and periwinkle. Unfortunately, the impatiens and the polka dot plants are annuals so we'll have to plant again next year, but my bleeding heart and periwinkle will last and last.

Even though I think spring sucks, I do have to say, I'm very happy with the results and hope these little baby plants thrive. I'm not so good at caring for flowering plants...... Here's hoping!


Cheers!

How we started. Lame little azalea......

Bland, bland, bland....

Nice finished bed- we'll be adding rocks as we find them :)

Tiny bleeding heart.

Cute little polka dot plan

Always stylish impatiens

Periwinkle, blooms coming soon

A closer look :)


P.S. I want to make clear, that my intention for the beautification is not to actually have people want to come over, but just like how it looks from the outside. Joe and I are terrible neighbors and would like to keep it that way :)

Advice...

I knew that once I told people I was pregnant, I would be flooded with advice from the mommy pros. I understand it's a very natural thing to want to do. Most of the time it's solicited, some of the time it's not, and then there is advice that is just so unwanted it takes everything in me not to cause physical harm to the advice giver. I am finding this getting more and more difficult with one advice giver in particular.

I have this acquaintance, for identity purposes we are going to call her MR F.  Those of you who have seen Arrested Development may appreciate the reference. Now, every time MR F sees me she has to tell me how terrible I am looking. She is constantly telling me I look exhausted. First, I want to say that yeah I'm a bit tired, but not nearly as much as previous weeks, and second eff-off because recently I've been getting anywhere from 8-12 hours of quality sleep and feel pretty good when I roll into work! Now, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me give you a background of MR F.

MR F has suffered from every medical problem there has ever been and her pregnancy was a freaking miracle because apparently everything that could possibly go wrong, did. So either she's a medical miracle and should be studied closely so the rest of us can benefit from her healing powers, or she's a GD crazy hypochondriac starved for attention. I'm convinced it's the latter. I mean she told me one time that she had to be on bed rest the entire pregnancy only to tell me about a week later that her pregnancy was easy breezy, only to tell me another week later that she was at a constant risk of losing the baby and had to go for weekly ultrasounds. I'm a nice person to acquaintances and it took everything in me not to say, "Girlfriend, get your life together before you open your mouth again."

Here are a few other things MR F does that infuriate me on a practical daily basis:

1. Complains how "healthy" I eat.
2. Complains how non-healthy I eat.
3. Tells me that pregnancy is only going to get harder as I progress (No sh@%)
4. Tells me I will probably get really big because I am little.
5. Tells me this will probably be the worst thing I go through.
6. Tells me this will be the most amazing time of my life.
7. Tells me how hard my life will be once the baby comes and how unhappy I will be for the first 3 years.
8. Tells me how wonderful it is having a baby in the house.
9. Complains to me how "easy" this pregnancy has been so far.
and my favorite- this she tells me every time she sees me
10. Don't think your whole pregnancy will be easy. Just wait it's going to be murder in a couple weeks.


I am swearing on Sweetums' life that these are the interactions I have with MR F almost daily. So for those of you advice givers out there, I really appreciate most of it because obviously this is my first time, but if you feel the need to comment on things MR F has said I will not hesitate to verbally slap you.

So to end this pointless rant on a good note, my favorite artist of ALL time, Bob Dylan, will be touring this summer with some pretty amazing bands. I can't wait to expose Baby V to some pretty great tunes within the womb because obviously we will never listen to stupid kiddie tunes like The Wiggles...... hahahahaha!! Yeah right! But seriously, I really am stocked to see Dylan in concert, for sadly only the second time in my whole life, and rock out with Baby V. wiggling away :).

Growing...

**This post was prompted because I was feeling like blowing up FB with ultrasound, and belly, photos :) Also, this will probably be a bit of a ramble......


It's a very strange thing being pregnant and having practically no symptoms. I mean, I have to buy new bras every week, I get some serious heartburn, and I'm exhausted by 3:30, but I don't really count those as symptoms. What it really feels like is I've just let myself go. I've had a history of some serious heartburn and the girls have been known to fluctuate. All things I had a problem with when I've gained a few more lbs than I would like. Also, I work with 6 and 7 year olds, so I think I'm entitled to be spent by 3:30. The only real sign is the tightening of my pants, which are really just making me look like a fatty instead of a cute pregnant chick. I'm really not trying to complain or rub it in, I swear.

So, for your viewing pleasure, or not, here are some shots of my microscopic belly, and the newest shot of Baby V. Finally a profile shot! Those creepy alien shots were a bit scary if I do say so myself...

7 weeks

10 weeks

13 weeks

The babes....

*** I sincerely apologize for the overuse of the vignette filter, but you can get over it because I like it...***

First

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes...... well you know the rest! That's right, folks, Joe and I are having a baby and the baby carriage! To answer your first question, yes, we are super excited, especially since we are not teens and this is not an unplanned thing. Second, yes, we were trying :).

One thing I dislike about FB is constant updates about pregnant bellies, and baby pics, and minute by minute updates, so any baby posts will be kept to the blog that way you can choose to read or not and I don't jam up your news feed when I turn into a pregnant belly posting fiend!

I also thought this would be a good place to answer all those common questions that we (mostly me) have been asked.

To start:

1. I have been feeling pretty fantastic. I got super lucky and have had almost no morning sickness. There was a moment early on where I almost bit it in the shower, but that was short lived.

2.  At this moment I am exactly 11 weeks and 6 days.

3. I have had some interesting food cravings, such as bacon. Those of you who know me, know I don't eat any pork products based on total moral, and recently I could eat it by the pound if I would let myself buy it. I killed a whole jar of Baby Gherkins on the way home from work one day, and if I don't have ice cream nightly I go a little Hulk on Joe.

4. I'm super emotional and cry a lot more than I would like- for example: the other night Joe had some food go down the wrong pipe and I burst into tears like a big fat weenie.

5. My patience is pretty much non-existent. I cursed out a lady in a parking lot for walking too slow in front of my car about 3 days ago. In my defense, she was taking her sweet time, and freaked out on me because I was stopped at a STOP sign.......

6. Finally, I would love it if this little bundle was a boy. I don't want to sit here and lie and say "As long as it has 10 fingers and 10 toes..." blah, blah, blah. I really want a little boy. Obviously, I will love it unconditionally if the baby is a girl, and she will be amazing, but I am rooting for a boy, and so is Joe.


I think that covers it :). If these questions get asked via FB I will politely direct you to this post :).



Cheers!

Here's a little something to leave you with :)

Baby V. waving hello.

I wonder...

I'm warning, read at your own risk. Imma bout to go on a rant that is pointless and really, really, really stupid.

Instead of joining in on all the FB sh*% I decided to blog about this, that way you can choose to read or not read.

I wonder,

I wonder what it's like to be wrong all the time, like weathermen?

I wonder what it's like to start small riots for no reason?

I wonder what it's like to suck at your job and still keep it?

I wonder what it's like to say "You can't predict the weather!" and then have a sh@* ton of technology to do just that?


Sure, I should be grateful for this awesome "snow day" and I am, but it's also been a huge dissapointment.

I mean, how about start predicting on the low end of things suckers. I don't think predicting the weather is rocket science, any fool could have seen that with the recent temps, and patterns this "mega storm" was gonna be a mega bust.

As I said, I realize this is silly to complain because just yesterday I was dying for a snow day, but since I'm human, I'm allowed to be irrational. Since I'm human, I'm allowed to change my mind and get upset when things don't go my way, and since I'm human, I'm allowed to go on rants that are really, really, really stupid.

End of rant, back to my "snow day!"

Cheers!