In just 12 short days I will be returning back to work. I've had five months at home with Hazel and it's been no where near enough. I have to add that I am so thankful for this time. Shortly after Hazel's arrival, Joe and I thought I'd have to return to work when Hazel was only 10 weeks old. Luckily that didn't happen, and I got to extend my time with Little Miss. I told myself it'd be a little easier leaving her at five months. She'd be older, a bit more independent, and she would be able to handle the adjustment easier. What I didn't account for were my feelings.
New parents are always told how much life changes when they have a child. They're told that the love they'll feel for that new life is indescribable. It's all true and more. What they don't tell you is that the love you'll feel actually does have a word, primal. Every single thing that I have done, or felt, since Hazel arrived has had a primal nature to it. There are so many schools of thought out there about the best way to raise a child, and I looked into all of them, but once she came, all bets were off. I no longer cared if letting her cry it out was right. I no long cared if there was such a thing as nursing too often, I only cared about what felt right to me in the moment. I paid attention to my feelings and emotions as well as Hazel's. Sometimes it feels right to go away from the crowd so Hazel and I can have some alone time. Sometimes it feels right to carefully lay her on the floor, or her crib, and let her cry for a bit so I can gather myself, and sometimes it feels right to ask for help when I know I've reached my limit. For five months our lives have been progressing like this. At times it's been very hard, but it's alway been very beautiful.
Recently I've found myself second guessing my decisions on parenting. Should I have set a schedule for Hazel, so my return to work would be easier on everyone. Should I have let her cry a little longer so she could figure out how to self sooth. Should I have tried my hardest to not form such a close bond with this little creature. The answer to all these questions is, no. Everything I have done up to this point has always been right for us.
As I prepare myself to return back to work, my hesitation is just as strong as it was when Little Miss was only 10 weeks old. Hazel will be staying with Joe and his mom while I am away bringing home that bacon. I'm frequently told how much easier it must be to return to work knowing Hazel will not be left with strangers. It doesn't make it any easier. It's hard leaving your child in the hands of others. Even when those others are family. I know that she will be in loving hands, and I know that she will have every need met, but they will not be met by me, and my heart breaks thinking about that. My little Lady Bird will be growing and changing, and I won't be there to witness every second like I have been.
I know I'll adjust to being a working mom. Every working mom does. I'm going to work hard to respect my feelings as I go through this transition. I'm going to lean on that supportive husband of mine. The one who is alway holding me up. The one who dries my tears, pours me that glass of wine, and just listens calmly as I frantically worry. I'm going to trust that loving husband to look after our little creation, and I'm going to cherish these last few days I have left with Hazel.
Here's what I'll miss the most: